Of a first time Dad.
I don't trust other parents parenting. I know they've successfully raised a family of ten but the moment they hold Daisy all types of doubt run through my head and I feel her life is threatened if i leave the room to make a bloody coffee.
I get overwhelmed. We had a pretty traumatic labour and a meningitis scare early on with Daisy which meant a lot of time spent in the hospital. I always thought I was a pretty strong person but there was moments during those first few weeks where I didn't know how much more I could take.
I've dropped food on Daisy's head. So has Ebony. When you have a baby who is just falling to sleep in your arms after hours of being restless you learn pretty quickly not to make any sudden movements. With dinner getting cold though you adapt quickly to eating with one hand, and shovelling it in as quickly as humanly possible. Problem is with the lack of sleep and hunger pains there is always the chance of a mistake. This is how we justify Daisy ending up with Butternut squash pasta on her head. True story...sadly.
I couldn't do what mum does. I like to think I am a pretty hands on Dad but the strength women have to bring life into this world and sustain it absolutely baffles me. I am in awe of each and everyone of you. I am in awe of the almost 40 hours of agonising pain Ebony spent during labour and the four nights she spent after that in the ward. All while running on zero sleep as she suddenly comes to terms with this new life she is responsible for. I'll be honest, during the first few days as I drove home after visiting hours were over I questioned whether I would be able to do what she did. I realised very quickly I couldn't.
Sometimes I want some time apart. Even writing that statement made me feel like a horrible Dad. I think it's important to be able to explain how you feel though. In a world where we create this silly illusion of perfection the truth is a valuable thing. Being a parent is hard. That's the truth and I'd rather everyone know that I find it hard that them be sat at home thinking they are a bad parent because they are not constantly positive. After having Daisy for the day, when Ebony arrives home sometimes I can think of nothing better than handing her over and having a little time for myself. Give it an hour or two though and I can't wait to give that little squish a cuddle.
I've woken Daisy from a sleep just to make sure she's okay. I am quite the worrier when it comes to Daisy. In fact, there has been a few times where, after watching her drift of to sleep, I suddenly worry that maybe she is sleeping too deeply or I can't see her breathe. After about ten minutes of telling myself I'm being stupid I have been known, on the rare occasion, to give her a little poke, just to make sure she's still moving...
I think my baby is cuter than yours. Maybe this is some type of biological thing built in to help build the bond between parent and child. Either way I think my baby is perfect. I honestly think she is the cutest baby ever to have existed.
Labour was hard for me as well. What I went through during labour was nothing compared to Ebony. I couldn't even try and compare the two experiences. It was however still a experience and one that will stay with me forever. There is nothing that can prepare you for watching the person you love be in agony for almost 40 hours. When we got rushed to theatre I had to keep strong but inside I was dying and it felt like my whole world was falling apart.
Sometimes when baby stirs and I hear Ebony wake up I pretend to be asleep. I love Ebony. I love Daisy. I also love sleep. Of course I'm not going to ignore my baby but if being silent for a few moments is the difference between sleep and changing a dirty nappy I may, every so often, be somewhat untruthful.
Your comments hurt. We have a family YouTube channel so nasty comments are a given and we are lucky enough to have awesome followers who defend us but the truth is the comments hurt. It's easy to say they don't matter or that i don't even notice them but one negative comment has the power to make me doubt my parenting for a good few hours.
Well these are my ten confessions. I'd love to hear your confessions in the comments!